The Poor Man's Millionaire Matchmaker

Some people are addicted to The Bachelor or I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, Pregnant at 16, The Jersey Shore, The Real Housewives of (Insert name of American city that has a plethora of women who wear stilettos to watch their maids do laundry)... you get that idea. I've never been able to get into these shows really. But Patty from the Millionaire Matchmaker speaks my language. Maybe it's because I understand her plight. She is burdened to find love for the financially affluent American. She knows what it is to comb through beautiful women and men in search of the perfect abs for her clients' money. If you recall I have been on a quest to marry CeCe off to one affluent NFL hottie for a few years now.

Here's where I hatched this plan to marry her off to him.

It failed.

Not one to be easily discouraged, I created a new, more detailed plan that got us within yelling distance. I'm pretty sure he was into her. At least he would have been had he ever looked our way.

We figured we'd have next year to continue our quest but then the worst thing that has ever happened to me to CeCe happened.

Trent got cut.

Just so you aren't confused, I'm not talking about his hair. He, the player, was let go from the team.

The turnaround was a quick one. One day after he was fired from the Bills, he was on his way to his new team in Florida.

I tried to remain upbeat and positive when I gave CeCe the news. "These aren't insurmountable odds," I told he. "Next year, we'll just have to book a flight to Florida in the preseason to catch Trent playing for the Jaguars." CeCe was less enthused. She's really looking for someone more local. You would think this would be easier than hooking her up with an NFL player that I've never met, but you'd be wrong. Our local singles scene is, well, let's just say it would be easier to find dignity on the Jersey Shore than a decent single guy around here.

That's when Matt said those magic words that proved how very close minded I was being.

"There are a lot of single inmates at the prison."

How could I have been so foolish? Inmates are good people. So they're just a little misunderstood by the  judicial system. No big deal. Did you know that most inmates are gang members? Hello, family oriented and loyal. They'd even kill for you. No seriously, they'd kill for you. Also a good portion of them are Muslims so: very religious. According to Matt, most of them go for women with a little bit of junk in the trunk, so you if you wanted to have that second piece of cake after your fifth piece of chicken. GO. FOR. IT. Finally, they don't live with you. You don't have to pick up their dirty clothes or make them dinner. I mean, you should probably feed the illegitimate children you have with them and visit them once and while, but other than that, Scott free.

The truth is, even as cute as Trent is, inmates hold their own kind of charm.

I think the one in  the middle front has got something.  That 'stache is muy sexy.

He reminds me a little of Mr. Lunt from Veggies Tales, and who doesn't love Veggie Tales?

I presented the new plan to CeCe, and she LOVED it! She's ready to start corresponding with an inmate ASAP. Maybe that desperation comes from her recent birthday in which she turned an age that I also am but am too nice of a friend to admit to on her behalf or maybe she's secretly hot for Mr. Lunt. Either way, I see a nice prison chapel wedding in our future.

1 comment:

tbsomeday said...

you are such a good friend
i think you are totally on to something here!